I stood in front of the mirror today and took the time to really look at myself. The girl staring back at me has a hollowness, an emptiness in her eyes that I don’t recognize. I’m startled by my own reflection;
Is this truly who I have become?
How can so much change in only 2 months time?
BUT then I decide I like these new changes in my face and I don’t want them to disappear. I don’t want to go back to the girl who sees the world as all good or all bad, a place of rainbows and happiness.
I want to remember all of the things I’ve learned. Remember that the brief time I’ve had with my daughters growing inside of me from a speck to babies of 17 weeks, that they are living proof of how precious life is and that the loss of their lives doesn’t make their existence any less wonderful or valuable to me.
Remember that Zoey and Riley showed me that love and self sacrifice is true strength and that I need to hold on to this to build myself up again, and to slowly chip away at the silence and rage within till it finally disappears.
I refuse to dishonor the love they have given me and the love that my husband keeps pouring into me by running away from the things that haunt me. I refuse to dishonor them. I refuse to dishonor myself.
The lessons I’ve learned have left permanent scars on my body and spirit but the scars are proof that I’m not broken but that I am trying to heal. And that I’m not done with the hard things, that I still have to find the strength to try again, to give my daughters the brother or sister they deserve, to give my husband the family we both wished and dreamed for.
When the right moment comes I will choose to go forward, and I will find myself again.
Forever in our hearts – my 2 little monkey babies – Zoey + Riley